Working with spirit to heal the narrative supporting my toxic masculinity
Yep. I said it. MY TOXIC MASCULINITY. Any spiritual or divine being understands the sanctity in duality. Any spiritual or divine being understands that healing the inner Divine feminine and Sacred masculine is central to "well-being". To say that there are deep cultural wounds regarding gender binaries would be remiss. Even if you are so privileged enough to have had a balanced, non-biased upbringing regarding gender roles and family dynamics--the collective wounds are inescapable.
My goal here is not to provide run down of the ideologies that support harmful gender-typing. Plenty of other like-minded & well-versed sociologists and psychologists and layman have already done so. Google them. My goal here is to provide some insight on the work I have accepted in healing this aspect of my Self. Healers can't heal if they ain't healed, it's that simple.
My own issues with the toxic masculine behaviors have specific roots. I'd love to go more into my trauma narrative on this, but it's really not helpful and I want to focus on the task at hand. Simply put issues regarding abandonment, parenting roles, sex, authority figures, justice, the provision of resources, co dependency and addiction stem deeply from wounds I associate with toxic masculinity. Y'all for real, that's A LOT for 1 feminist to approach. (I rarely use this term any longer, mostly because I attempt to use inclusive language. But also because in healing my toxic masculinity, I've accepted the label of humanist. I cannot deny culturally enforced gender-discrepancies, but I can maintain my humanity and work towards the healing of all. Language counts and words are magic.)
The first thing I had to do was to stop giving toxic men my focus. Like, I was attracting toxicity and I needed to become blatantly aware of what had been manifesting itself as awful men in my life. Ok, we're in healing here, so I will say "unhealed" men instead of awful...but being unhealed certainly feels awful. So yea, there I was unhealed and awful, attracting more unhealed and awful. All the while, blissfully unaware that I was adding to the problem and ignoring solutions.
I could never say that all "men" are toxic. I could say, however, that many "men" have toxic traits that impact their interpersonal relationships. (We could say the same for "women" but that's for a different blog post lol). I have been blessed with an equal number of amazing men in my life, who have lifted me, supported me, healed me and loved me unconditionally. I had to learn how to lean into these men and those traits without letting my self be vulnerable to more toxic behaviors.
One thing that helped, more than making IRL connections with the male-gendered species, was building a connection with my masculine ancestors, guides & spirits in general. It's sad but just the mere thought of being alone with certain men/masculine energies feels like a threat. I know so many others that express this innate sense of danger, and not just those of us who identify as female. We have seen what toxic men are capable of and it is what nightmares are made of. So I had to start non-physical. Here and with so many other challenges I have faced; I had to start with the non-physical. There is too much physical evidence of toxic masculinity; my belief in humanity had thus become null and void.
So what did I believe in? Where was my faith strong? The universe sends me physical and non-physical clues every single day. So what if I opened my Self up to the "clues" (manifestations, sync ups, energy alignments, deja vu, juju or WHATEVER YOU CALL IT) that were being sent to me from the Sacred masculine? Would I even be able to recognize it? Would I be open enough to accept the message at face value? How would my biases keep me from my divine awareness? These are the hard questions I had to unpack and be honest about.
No, I don't think I could recognize Sacred masculinity, as so many times I've seen it under cut by toxicity. Accepting the message at face value? That would require me to trust men's words. Hard. Open enough to accept? I was at a point where I was ready to go full LESBEYOND and never be with a man again. I had accepted my fate as a single mother, destined to grow old with house plants and a female companion who I share a quiet, yet mysteriously long term relationship with. Not open, not accepting, not making that mistake again. Keeping my unhealed narrative at bay was proving to be nearly impossible. But nothing is impossible.
It started small, like most non-physical manifestations do. And then the manifestations began to get bigger, and more physical. I asked for signs, they came. I listened for songs, they played. I noticed the patterns. I felt myself being pulled in new directions. I felt myself trusting the masculine spirits who were showing me and lighting the way for me. My path has been dark and twisted the last few years--but healing has happened none the less. Meaningful, yet toxic, relationships have deteriorated. My ability to be discerning and set boundaries has been enhanced. I am emboldened to stake my claims and assert my Self. I have discovered a new sense of independence. My emotions don't make me their bitch any longer.
I currently find my Self leaning into these masculine guides. I find my Self making space for healthy male interactions, thoughts, beliefs and relationships. I find my Self able to connect deeper to healing. I learned how to truly center and ground my Self. And I say Self because I truly mean more than just in my ego. These things have become internalized. I am still building trust. I am still learning how to stay resilient & put my needs first. Dominate the energy of the room. Say yes without fear of repercussions. Turn the music up...louder. Drink that whiskey. Smoke that cigar. Spread your legs, if you're wearing underwear. Mansplain to a man. Sit at the head of the fucking table.