Reckless abandon & a complete detachment from reality...
I honestly don't feel like talking about my life, so I guess this is a better time than ever to share about where I'm at. Over the last year, I've pushed myself to be more vulnerable and to be transparent about my imperfections. I think it's easy to create this façade that is more ideal than realistic. Not necessarily on purpose but because our stories intersect with others and some parts aren't meant to be shared. I think deep down that's why I created The New Indigo to begin with. There was so much Quinn couldn't say, or do, or be, or show. There is so much just beneath the surface that no one gets to witness.
The New Indigo was never about me being an entrepreneur. It was never about a business. The New Indigo was created at at time when I had parts of my Self that I couldn't express in any of the arenas or platforms I already existed within. What that really means, is that I was living a life that was contrary to what I truly saw for myself. So, being the powerful creator that I am, I let my vision come to life. I haven't stopped coming to life since. But these last few years, I've also been tearing down the toxic foundations of my life & attempting to rebuild it all from the ground up.
With all of the loss I've experienced this year, the process of letting go has become exceedingly easy. This is really not a good thing for someone with an attachment disorder. Should be called a detachment disorder honestly...Because now I deeply feel the need to let her go (The New Indigo I mean). Not because I don't love what I've created but because she, too, is a product of a life that was being lived for the "Sacred other"(a term I came up with for those people, places &things in our lives that we attach our love, dreams and basic happiness to). It's still a curtain for Quinn to hide behind.
It could be a simple rebrand. It could be a complete abandonment. I know that I no longer wish to be of service. I am not in a place in my life where I want to offer any part of my Self to any one or any thing. I am struggling to reconcile existing in a capitalistic society where my purposes and passions have to turn a profit. I have generational trauma to heal regarding being "of service", being "at disposal", of working multiple jobs and recognizing my potential when it comes to generational wealth. All I know is that one day I will wake up and know what direction I am going to move in.
Lately, more nights than not , I find my Self wondering, "what is the fucking point of it all?" I know there is a point, I know there is a purpose but I truly haven't been able to pin it down this year. Now, don't get me wrong, not every day do I feel this reckless abandon and complete detachment from my reality. There are days when I can recognize how incredibly far I've come in my healing journey and how many dragons I've slayed in the process. But my friends, today is not one of those days. Though rest assured, these are the kids of days that lead to personal break throughs, self-revolutions and genuine transformation. These are the best kinds of days for self magick.