I didn't think I would be writing about our reconciliation...
June 3, 2020 | I originally wrote this in April and left it in my drafts; some quiet whisper in my ear told me that this story isn't over. When the time to share my story had come, I
would know it. So today, I opened this piece back up, skimmed over it (as not to dwell, or place judgement on my Self) & knew it was time to write the ending to this chapter.
I wrote this thinking that I was heading in one direction; yet life has taken a hard left. My life is no longer my life. I can't bare to remove the original contents of this piece because it a reflection of how genuinely hard we both tried to make our relationship a success. But I sit here with a literal pit in my stomach, waving the white flag of surrender.
My relationship with the father of my children has been a roller coaster over the last few years. That, I will admit. It hasn't been easy for our families and it hasn't been easy to share & talk about my experiences. I think it's important to be honest & I want to be as transparent as possible. First and foremost--I think it's also important to acknowledge that I have & do take full responsibility for the decisions that I made that has allowed our relationship to have gotten to this point. There are no if's, and's or but's about it.
While our privacy, and our children's, is still top priority; please know that we are all going to be OK. All that I can say is that we are giving one another space, trying to communicate peacefully & to begin to sift through the wreckage, so that we can salvage what ever is left to grow from. Our children keep us connected, and have given us the light & joy we need to be hopeful about our futures.
Perhaps what I was feeling when I had first written this piece was the beginning of one last spin around the unhealthy cycle we were in. We had to go back to the beginning to undo it all, or we were never going to find clarity. In my with inter-personal violence education, I can see now that I wrote this during a honeymoon phase. I expressed this optimism and hope that were so valid & real at the time. My spiritual guidance has gotten so much more intense since this initial experience. The experience mentioned in my reflections below truly opened something within me.
The work of allowing that which is not truly meant for me to leave my life has been gut wrenching. I have held onto unhealthy people, places & things for far too long. My system is no longer tolerant of that which causes my harm, with or without intent. My voice is too powerful to be silenced. And damn it, my soul is too wild to be tamed. I love my Self. I am at peace knowing that I am not meant for everyone and that not everyone is meant for me. So long as I can always see, find & come back to my authentic Self--I know I am whole & well.
So for now, I ask that you respect our privacy, as you always have. I ask that you hold me, my children and their father in your prayers; that we are all able to tap into our resilience, our love and our roots & bond as a family. I ask that you pray for swift resolution & that the 4 of us will always have what we need to feel supported, loved & whole. I also encourage you to reach out to someone you love & trust if you feel like you are in an unhealthy, or potentially unsafe, relationship. Set your standards higher through loving your Self first.
(oh, and we had the GoT ending...not the fairytale...)
April 13, 2020 | I thought I would be writing about finding happiness after separating from someone you love (and in my case, share children with.) But here I am, recognizing that my ex & I have both changed so dramatically since we separated up last April. Honestly, I have been preparing to write a blog entry about the past year of our lives and how eager have been to move forward, past this relationship. But something, almost miraculous, has happened over the past couple weeks. Really, since the last New Moon--upon which I lit a "Reverse" candle--asking the Universe to help me break any soul contracts, curses, bad juju or any negative energy attached to me. Now, call it what you may, but something inside both of us has lifted and been released.
Not long after the last New Moon, the energy within my personal and dare I say, romantic, relationships has really shifted. Another gift I received from the Reverse candle is a connection with a new Spirit Guide, who came to me during meditation. She called herself Miriyam and she blessed me by releasing brilliant light waves & glitter-matter into my "light beam" (what I mean, is that when I meditate I use a "light beam" method--where I envision a great white light coming from the Universe. streaming down through my chakra system and rooting me into the Earth.) I will write more about my meditation techniques in a later blog...
This experience has left me with a wild, open free flow of creative nourishment & a new found confidence in my intuitive experiences. Synchronicities, number messages, new healthy connections developing, an overall enhancement towards my Highest Self. As well as the Highest Self of my ex, I will call him DAD--those are his initials, he is the father to my children, and I would like him to be able to remain anonymous, if he chooses to do so. But spiritual work has opened something within me, within both of us. And I want to share the experiences I have had, because maybe you can relate somehow...
DAD and I were friends for quit some time before we were blessed with our children. The early stages of our relationship spanned from passionate to tumultuous from the gate. During that time, we handled our lives with as much grace as people in healing could. Our priority was our children, and providing a home life for them that would allow them to thrive and be loved, unconditionally. We didn't have the opportunity to really grow our love as individuals, and spent all of our time, pouring that love into our children, rather than each other. We got to a place, after having children, that many parents do--but we lacked the years of loving one another most couples carry into parenthood.
Our kids have transformed both of us, and has brought out so many different layers of our Selves. It was a year ago this April, when I made the decision that I was no longer going to keep moving forward with our relationship. At that time we were sleeping in different beds, our sex life was leaving us both feeling unfulfilled and we seemed to have very different ideas about the future we saw for ourselves. Were we ever going to get married? Were we going to have more children? Do we value what each other brings to our family? What parts of our Selves were we willing to sacrifice for a relationship that felt doomed?
We took time, living together, to try to make things work--that summer was a roller coaster of us.Then fall came too soon, and we hadn't nearly made any of the progress we were hoping--to bring us closer together. As fall progressed, the dynamics of our home life changed. We were both seeing other people, seeking social relationships & honestly, working very hard on our Selves as individuals. Some of the decisions we made were reckless and some decisions we made, brought us closer together. One day we may be fighting and quarreling, the next, we were providing comfort and support for other in a trying time.
Our friends and family have been sitting by, patiently waiting to see what was going to come out of our time "apart". At the turn of the year, things turned for us too--unfortunately, it felt like it was a turn for the worst. To be honest, in my opinion, some one tried to meddle in our relationship, and the progress we had made felt completely lost. Strong emotions and opinions were shared, we gave one another the chance to disclose discretion's and to be honest about the outcome of the decisions we made. Though this was a break through, with being honest about our love for one another--it still felt as though we made the right decision to split and that we were going to be able to move into a healthier stage of co-parenting.
We attended mediation, agreed on a custody schedule, I made plans to move out in the Spring officially. Things looked scary, but manageable--since we were finally on the same page. Then we were quarantined...
Imagine that!? An actual act of God that gave us a real opportunity to heal the wounds of our previous relationship. We have been communicating (even hand written letters, as we tend to mis-communicate/argue frequently), giving each other emotional space, supporting each other with the major changes our kids and our household is under, being creative to keep energies light & spending quality time together with our kids. Neither one of us can run away from our issues now & were are left with plenty of time to either ignore them or repair.
Today, it looks like we are working to repair them. I say it like that, because I truly have no idea what tomorrow will bring. I can't promise that this relationship will have a fairy tale ending or a GoT ending. I can't promise that things are going to stay this way, or get better, or worse. I can't say that we will be able to continue on this path or if we will find a path that suits us better. But I can say that we want the same things, we have apologized with intentions to change, we have learned how to ask for the things we need and we are both finally willing & able to commit to growing together.
There are some things I have needed to work on personally, in order to be ready for this change. I have found a healthy balance in my social life, my career is moving in a positive direction, I have been able to focus on healing within my nuclear family and I truly love myself enough to be discerning about my commitments. Personal independence, authenticity, self-love, commitment & accountability. All of this time I thought I was working on this for myself, but now I see that these are all things DAD needed from me as well.
Do I believe that people can change for the better? 100% yes, because I know I have. Do I believe that we have a chance to have a beautiful future together? 100% yes, because we have been so blessed so far. Do I believe that we both deserve love, safety & compassion? 100% yes, and we have both demonstrated that we can offer those things to one another.
I can't help but wonder how I would be feeling about our relationship had I not allowed my soul to connect to my Highest Self, or had I not encouraged DAD to do the same for himself. Spiritual development is constant and you will see its effects in every area of your life. Spiritual development is not just about connecting with spirit--it's about healing all of the areas of your life, from the inside out. I promise you, if you are doing THE WORK, you will feel it.
There is still work to be done between us, but like I said--we are both finally willing & able. Every new milestone our family encounters, we will encounter together. I look forward to sharing more of our journey together; the good, the bad and the ugly. So for now, let it be enough to know that there is hope for us, we have worked very hard to get to this place, and that we both deserve forgiveness & the chance at restoring what once was lost.